Anyone who’s lived more than a dozen or so years has to be an expert on something. Sometimes it’s just making the perfect cake, playing a favorite video game or celebrity impersonations — but it’s something. So occasionally I like to turn YANP over to a favorite musician who lets us in on an area of their expertise.

MP3: Vandaveer – Turpentine

This time it’s Vandaveer, who will be telling us all about songwriting. He starts with the caveat that he wouldn’t consider himself an “expert” at it, but he’s clearly dedicated his life to it and has penned more than his share of good tunes. In fact, his new record Divide and Conquer would attest to that even more than this text…

“Area Of My Expertise” by Vandaveer

Okay, so, first things first… A disclaimer. I am not an expert at anything… I don’t even frequent the perimeter of any particular area of expertise. One might go so far as to suggest that my field of expertise is firmly cemented in not being an expert at anything. Are we getting metaphysical? I have no idea, for I am no expert in metaphysics.

But, I can fake expertise in a handful of fields, and for the purpose of today’s exercise in identifying and discussing an area of faux expertise, I have chosen songwriting. Why songwriting? Well, for one, it’s something I fake on a regular basis. It’s also something I’ve been faking since high school, so I’m pretty sure I can write about being a fake expert at it. Here’s how it works, more or less:

1) Purchase a bunch of records (and by “records” we mean CDs or, better yet, cassettes) of questionable merit and listen to them on your Circuit City boombox* at a volume loud enough to irritate your parents/neighbors/pets/spouse/significant other/roommates/siblings/etc. Some viable candidates may or may not include Theatre Of Pain by Motley Crue, Slippery When Wet by Bon Jovi and/or Poison’s Look What The Cat Dragged In. This step is best suited for kids in the 12-14 year-old range. Any younger and you’re too distracted by Cobra Commander, Lady Jane, or Snake Eyes figurines. Any older and you’re likely to let taste and reason come into play. And that’s just plain bad.

* I realize it may be difficult to purchase a boombox at Circuit City these days, as both boomboxes and Circuit City seem to have gone the way of the dodo bird, but it really would be useful if you could sort something out that approximates this experience. It’s galvanizing. I promise.

Continue reading the rest after the break.

2) Allow your malleable teenage tastes to crystallize around records of higher artistic merit, mostly at the prodding of an older sibling, if applicable. Such records could include Appetite For Destruction by Guns N’ Roses, Led Zeppelin’s “Four” and/or Nevermind by Nirvana. Doesn’t really matter, just be sure these records are deemed “cool” by your older brother or sister, regardless of what kind of car he/she drives, even if it is a beat up 1979 Ford Fairmont that may or may not run.

3) Study the rudimentary guitar riffs on songs like Nirvana’s “Come As You Are” and/or “Coma” (from GN’R’s Use Your Illusion I. Yes, by now you will have most likely delved deeper into the catalogs of artists deemed credible by your elders. This may likely include Use Your Illusion, even though we all know Axl jumped the shark with this overblown mess of a double album. Turns out he was faking it, too. Never should’ve kicked Steven Adler in the crotch OR out of the band, I say.) Ape these songs. Over and over. Doesn’t really matter what kind of guitar you’re using at this point, but if your dad’s 1966 Gibson J-50 is laying around, that’s not a bad place to start. Don’t bother tuning right now, either. Tuning is a waste of time for at least another few months.

4) Begin slacking off (more) at work/school/soccer practice as your interest in the sounds you are making on your guitar grows. You may even discover at this point that it sounds a little less like noise and a hair more like music. Laser focus is the rule of the day now. Pay no mind to historical world events happening in real time. The collapse of the Soviet Union is inconsequential, no matter what your dad says from the TV room down the hall. Same goes for the fall of the Berlin Wall. Momentary distractions. Do not let them or his vain pleas to “come witness history in the making” tempt you. You have a guitar in your hands. That is all that matters.

5) Begin writing words down on paper in loose patterns that may or may not rhyme. They can be about anything. And they can (and probably will be) very, very bad. Call it poetry. Begin pairing up these “poems” with the “music” you’ve been making on your guitar. Repeat. Repeat. Repeat. Then repeat some more.

6) Eventually you’ll discover chords. Chords are great, but they aren’t riffs. But it’s hard to sing over riffs, so you’ll probably find chords more forgiving and easier to work with. Strum. Scribble. Sing. Over and over and over. Depending on how hard you apply yourself at college and/or work, this may take a while. Also, should you choose to go down this path, your first few bands and first few records are probably going to be awful, truly. But don’t let this deter you. By the time you’re old enough to realize just how much precious time you’ve really wasted on this endeavor you’ll begin writing what other folks would likely identify as “songs.” They may not be great, but they will be songs. That you wrote. That I write. Congratulations, songwriter! Perhaps you can one day pen a song about your journey. You’ll have the expertise, after all….